Monday, September 01, 2008

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

"I should ..."
"I would have ..."
"I could have ..."

Does the beginning of those three sentences sound familiar?
Let me flesh them out a bit more in case you don't recognize them.

"I should lose weight."
"I would have lost weight a long time ago if only I had the will power."
"I could have lost weight if I had the money to join a gym."

What do you think now?

I'm going to let you in on a little secret; they are really familiar to me, like an old pair of shoes two sizes too small. I used to shoulda, woulda, coulda all over myself all the time when it came to goals and intentions. As a matter of fact, I still catch myself doing so every once in awhile. When it comes to goals and intentions, believe it or not, the shoulda, woulda, couldas serve a valuable purpose; they are great little indicators as to how important what we are trying to achieve is to us personally. Yep, that's right, they are our own little pocket gauges but sadly we don't use them as such. We often use them as the proverbial 2x4 upside the head. OUCH! A means to make us feel wronged or worse, feel like failures.

So I'd like to ask you to do me a HUGE favor right here, right now (it's a three part favor, by the way). The first part of the favor is to step away from the 2x4, put it away, shred it in the wood shredder, burn it on a bonfire. Do whatever you need to do, just get rid of it. The next thing I would like to request is that you become aware of your shoulda, woulda, coulda vernacular. And the last part of the favor is, if you are shoulda, woulda, coulda-ing all over yourself, please ask yourself one of the following questions;

- "On a scale of 1-10 (one being a low score) how important is this goal to me?"

If your response is a 5 or less, please be honest with yourself, how likely are you to carry out whatever it is you are shoulda, woulda, coulda-ing yourself over? Things that score low on the importance scale also score low on the priority scale and are more likely to be placed on the backburner, in the back of the closet, or stuffed in the back of our minds.

- "Is this something I wish to do or something someone said I should do?"

Let's face it, when we are trying to accomplish a goal that is someone else's and not our own, we are less likely to see it through to fruition. Why? Because it's not ours. It is not in alignment with who we are and our core values.

- "How will this serve me in being my best self?"

If your answer is,"It won't" then please reconsider your reasonings for trying to take action on a goal that will not serve you.

Here is to using the shoulda, woulda, couldas as goal setting success tools, (as opposed to the opposite) until you don't need them anymore.

Posted by Pam at 4:56:37 PM in Creating Change (89) | Permalink | Comments (0)

Monday, August 25, 2008

Go Big or Go Home Question: Fear, Friend or Foe

Fear (to me) was the boogey man under the bed, the one feeling that would stop me right in my tracks, the gut twisting, gut wrenching emotion that had the strongest vise grip in the whole world... until just recently. I was working with a client when it hit me like a 2x4 in the middle of the eyes; why not treat fear like an old friend that we are out growing? Instead of , which only makes it scream back louder, why not think of the good things we can take away from it; the lessons learned or awareness created?

So here's your Go Big or Go Home question; consider one fear that you have and ask yourself, "What's at least one good thing I can take away from this fear?"

Once you have done that (and this may sound silly, but it helps) write your fear a little letter thanking it for the positive take away. In that letter be sure to let your fear know that you are releasing it and moving on from it. Once you have completed your letter you are then free to burn it, shred it, flush it down the toilet, whatever action is going to help you let go of it.

I think you will be surprised at the results.

Happy Fear Releasing!

Posted by Pam at 1:07:27 PM in Go Big Or Go Home Questions (13) | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sunday, August 17, 2008

What Does It Take? A Healthy Relationship Meter

Relationships are funny little creatures and in taking stock of some of my own I have discovered something; in order to have healthy relationships (friendship, romantic, business) the following things should be present (for me); they make up my healthy relationship meter:

1) The ability and space to be who you are. If you have to be someone you're not, that creates room for games, feelings of disconnect with one's own self (the "Who Am I Being? Syndrome"), hurt, embarrassment, and possibly the loss of integrity.

Some signs to look out for: Saying and doing things that you would not normally say and do, a feeling of uneasiness, always questioning yourself in the relationship.

How genuine is the relationship going to be out of the gate if either person is showing up as someone they're not?

2) Room to grow and the support to do so; no shackles or tethers. As we go through life we learn and as a result we grow. Growth is a good thing!

Some signs to look out for: Criticism and put-downs from the other person, especially during times of growth and positive change. Increased signs of insecurity from your partner and the need for continual reassurance that they are OK in your eyes.

3) No emotional games allowed. There is never a winner in an emotional game.

Some signs to look out for: Emotional blackmail ("If you loved me you would..."), a constant push and pull (pushing you away and then pulling you in when a distance has been created).

4) Equal balance of give and take. When there is an imbalance one person always walks away feeling depleted, used, or unimportant.

Some signs to look out for: Your partner, friend, or colleague spends most of their time focusing on themselves in almost every conversation (self obsessed or self absorbed behavior); one person is putting in most of the effort to make the relationship work. Having to constantly hold your partner/friend/colleague upright emotionally. Feeling completely drained after a conversation.

5) Direct and open communication. No person is a mind-reader so it is important to be able to constructively communicate wants, dislikes, expectations, etc.

Some signs to look out for: An applied assumption that you should always know what your partner/friend/colleague wants, increased resentment, and frustration.

6) Mutual respect. Without mutual respect lines get crossed and feelings get hurt.

Some signs to look out for: The crossing of personal boundaries, exhibiting behavior that is belittling, embarrassing, and at the expense of the other person.

Healthy relationships take two people who are equally committed to the relationship and being the best they can be. So what's your meter for determining whether you are engaging in healthy relationships?

Posted by Pam at 6:09:45 PM in Creating Change (89) | Permalink | Comments (0)

Monday, August 11, 2008

Transition Rut

Hello,

I am 25, single and feel like i am stuck in a rut. Not too long ago I completed my 6 yr military contract, civilian now. Trying to recover from a broken heart as well. Anger, betrayal, resentment, cynicism and more. Everything seems and feels like a mess. Relationships, career, finance, education, Health (gained 40lbs). Not meeting my parents expectations. Feeling like a failure at everything. Single, looking for job, trying to finish college, and broke. I want to be able to help my family financially.
My parents and family keep saying i should have a degree by now. I should be successful. Why am i single? Pretty much all my friends and family of my age are either married or have kids or in a committed long term relationship. I am trying to be optimistic that all things happens in time and do my best. But i feel like a complete failure at everything. I am having social anxiety as well and find myself daydreaming to escape. Just frustrated. Some seem to have it all.
Music helps me feel better. I have mood swings of happiness throughout the day and most likely its a battle within mind but i feel lost. I want to be happy and stop feeling like i am not good enough. Somehow my optimism fades. I do try to be optimistic and hopeful.
I recently moved from CA to MA all alone. I feel alone and everything is new at once. I feel like i think too much, over analyze everything and think about my ex all the time. He just somehow creeps in my thoughts. Am i being silly?
I am a shy person and i have a habit of doing everything on my own, be independent and not inconvenience anyone unless absolute necessary. My friends call me drama free and sweet.
How can i get out of this rut? I tried meditating to control my thoughts and thinking but mind just wanders. And more towards negativity about me. Either I am not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, enough personality, fun enough; just ordinary and boring. Aarrrrgghhh I read the "20-something 20-everything" book. Tedious in my opinion. Is it a weird phase?
I know people out there have more problems and mine is minute compared to them but i need something. I want to live each day to fullest no matter what. Enjoy being me; its one life to live right. Don't know how!!! Do I worry too much? Do I take things seriously too much?
Any words of wisdom?
R.P.

Dear R.P.

First I wish to commend you for sharing all that you have done and your desire to want to move forward. You are a very courageous young woman.

I appreciate all the changes you have gone through; with change comes transition, and with transition often comes uncertainty and fear. I want to let you know that the stuck feeling and even the negative feelings you are experiencing are natural. I know they are uncomfortable, but I can assure you, you are not weird, nor are you a failure, or silly in any way. With that said, I would like to make a request (of course you are welcome disregard any request or thoughts shared); please try and go easy on yourself right now. Swinging a 2x4 at your head isn't going to serve you and will also not support you in moving forward. If anything, beating yourself up will only compound the feelings. I have a few suggestions that I would like to offer to combat the negative thoughts and feelings, as well as to help you move past the feeling of being in a rut:

1) It is very easy to go down the path of comparison, comparing yourself to other family members and friends. However, you are not your family nor are you your friends, you are you. Who YOU are is a gift and someone to acknowledge and embrace (even though I know it may not feel that way right now.) I would like to ask that you find one great thing about yourself, i.e. your independence, your sweetness, or your ability to avoid drama, and focus on that.
2) When you start to feel fear, anger, pain, or any other negative thought or emotion try practicing a little gratitude. Place your hand over your heart, begin breathing deeply and list five things in the here and the now that you are most grateful for. That could be the shirt on your back, the sun coming through the window, the chair you are sitting in. The brain, in all its glory and splendor, does not have the capacity to think both positive and negative thoughts at the same time. Copping an attitude of gratitude will not only help you be in the present moment (where all the good stuff appears), but it will help to shift your energy and mood.
3) You had mentioned that others have expectations for you, what about your own expectations for yourself? When we live our life for others, we are not living a life for ourselves and according to what is in alignment with who we are. I would like to suggest doing a little exercise (courtesy of James Arthur Ray) to help create some clarity around the things you want for YOU in your life. Please take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the center. On the left hand side of the paper write down all the things you don't want in your life. Then on the right hand side of the paper write down the exact opposite of what you wrote on the left side; the things that you do want. Pick at least one thing from the right side and start taking action around that one thing.
4) Get to know you. What lights a fire for you? When was the last time you had a lot of fun? What was it you were doing? What was it about the things that you were doing that created the fun for you? Chances are you will learn a bit more about the wonderful person you are just by answering those questions.
5) Last, but not least, in regards to the relationship that ended, I would like to ask that you list at least five good things that you can take away from your experience that will serve you in the future. By looking at the positives that will certainly support you in letting go and moving forward.

Please know, R.P. you are enough, more than enough and you always have been. Again, I wish to thank you for reaching out and for sharing! I wish you all the very best.

Posted by Pam at 5:54:10 PM in Ask Pam (4) | Permalink | Comments (0)

Monday, July 28, 2008

Go Big Or Go Home Question: Strong Sense of Self

When I was pregnant with my son one of the things I said most often was, "If I can give him anything, I hope to give him a good sense of self." I meant that with all my heart and soul. I did not wish for him to ever struggle with his sense of self like I did. (Although having said that, what I experienced I would experience again, as it made me the person I am today.)

So the Go Big or Go Home Question is; how do you define strong sense of self and how does one achieve it? (OK, so that was two questions rolled into one.)

I look forward to your thoughts.

Posted by Pam at 11:05:15 PM in Go Big Or Go Home Questions (13) | Permalink | Comments (0)